All cocoon like..

I realized yesterday that I have let myself be trapped into a new routine without even realizing it.. I will let you into my thoughts for a moment. When my dad died, a part of me died as well. I have this new little being that I am absolutely in love with. My life will never be the same again. My new found love of being a mom has awaken. I have embraced this unusual me. However, yesterday I realized my mind has been in a recovery mode. It has been a blur.  Where is the corridor that meets my identity?

I am grateful of all the things I have experienced. When part of myself died, a new self sprouted. It is that simple will to bring the greatness out of yourself, and run with it.

I took the one less traveled by.

Lets rewind back to January 23rd. This was my last real day in Kiev, and I got to spend the day with my facilitator Olga, one last time. We successfully received Larissa's American Visa, and had our last celebration meal together. This day was successful, intense, and stressful all at the same time because of yesterday's events. My dad had a massive heart attack. The aftermath left him vulnerable, and dependent on a life support machine. I was told that we were supposed to wait for 24 hrs for his outcome.

Our facilitation team went above and beyond to get everything done in a quick matter to get us out of Ukraine and back to the U.S.  Delta came through with 2 ticket changes at no cost. I had only had 1.5 hrs sleep the night before. I do not know how I was even functioning today. I was ready to burst out crying at any second but waited until we were tucked in at bed that night. I kept looking at the time, and was suppose to be up in about 4 hours to be ready for an American flight scheduled for 6:30 AM.  I didn't sleep. I kept on going.  I traveled 18 hrs today solo with Larissa, by my side. I still don't know how I made this happen. Auto pilot, I suppose.

I wanted badly to go back to Donetsk. My feelings were all over the place. Did not want to go back home to see what awaited me. I got a text immediately when I arrived at the SL airport. I was suppose to meet my immediate family at the hospital my dad was at. He was taken off life support today, and was expected to leave the physical world anywhere from 1 to 3 days. I was pissed. Not at my family, but why was I robbed of the first real day back home with my daughter? to spend time with my family and introduce my little bean to the rest? to introduce her to my dad.

Thank goodness for my husband, Scott. He knew what state I was in. He drove me to the hospital. I met my mom, my Aunt (Dad's sister), and Uncle. There he was (Pausing at this moment). I asked everyone to leave as I needed to say some words to my pops. I told him how much I loved him, and thanked him for all the faith he had in me as a child, and as an adult. My hand was clasped to his. Never, did I want to let this go. I am in shock. He was taking his lasts breaths. I tell my family to come back, and we talk a minute. We notice his breathing was quiet and quickly go to his bed. All four of us are crying and telling him it is okay to go. He passed right in front of us. Everyone told me he had waited for me. He waited for me. He knew I was coming home. I hadn't seen him since Oct. 25th.

My course of life has changed in two major ways.

Larissa has brought me so much light. She has his same hair color, and I get told on a daily basis that she looks just like me. She makes a little bit of progress each day. She has came with a bit of challenges, but slowly is adjusting to her new life. She is the life of the party, and she lets you know that. She is smart as a whip. So far, she knows and uses a few English words already. Larissa absolutely adores Sasha and gets upset when She has to go to school. Sasha adores Larissa just as much, but she has regressed a little. The reality has faced her. The sharing. Oh the SHARING! Sasha sees what Larissa gets away with and adopts her behaviors. It has been whine fest 3000! but I am happy to report we have had 2 excellent days as a family in 3 weeks time. Inch by inch, life is a cinch. Yard by yard by garsh it's hard!

Larissa and Sasha 

Larissa enjoying the pipes at our local park

Free thought

Being a mama, I seldom get the chance to sit down to read other adoptive parent blogs. We all have very different children that sometimes share the same experiences and yet bring unique situations to the surface. I am going to write in freestyle today. My last day in Donetsk. I do not belong here, but a new piece of me does. I have been so fortunate to meet all the folks here that has brought light to my life. Coincidence? Perhaps. Makeevka and Mariupol will never be forgotten. Friendly and welcoming. Old coal miners with seasoned faces bundled up with a lit cigarette in mouth pushing little carts to go get their groceries. Independent and proud. The border of Russia just half an hour and a half a way. This is Oblast is industry at its best. Steel and Coal.

Quiet moments and reflection.  A part of Larissa will always live here. She seems a little bit more ready today to take on an new adventure.  She misses her friends at the orphanage, and usually cries about this around nap time. I will never be able to experience her melancholy,  but am glad to be here in hopes that I can help her through it. Sometimes I silently cry with her when she is laying down just about to fall asleep. She is a true soldier.

A glimpse of hope

Yesterday,  had to the opportunity to spend some time with Larissa Pearl outside the orphanage, so we could complete the passport process. This girl of ours was a completely different soul! She handled herself in a way I didn't think was possible. There was lots of smiles exchanged, she felt comfortable to sit on and fall asleep on my lap. The holding of the hands. Who was this angel? It led me to even a deeper thought that day. I wondered if all of her behavior we had seen inside the orphanage, was her continued love and loyalty to her caregiver mommies. Maybe the lack of affection at that time was a reflection towards that as well. It makes sense. One should never over look all the factors that play into the bondage, and take the lack of personal.  I hope that makes sense. I really look forward starting my life wirh her today.

Better Days Ahead

We were able to visit Larissa today I brought my tablet with the short video I made yesterday of us, our home and her sister. We also brought our interpreter to help better communicate with her. She sat down in the corner while I played the movie as it passed I let her know who was in each picture. After the video had finished with the interpreters help I told her that we both loved her very much. I told her that Mama, Papa and Sister wanted her to come home and be a part of our family. I asked her if she was scared she nodded yes. I let her know that there was nothing to be scared of and that her Mama and Papa loved her. I could see her eyes were welling up with tears along with mine at that point I knew she understood. After that it took a few mins to process and move on, since that point she was much more open to both Samantha and I. We played with the foam blocks I would build up a wall and peek through then she would smash it down. We stacked plastic discs and tried played with other toys in the room. Before we left I crouched down and without any apprehension she gave me a hug and said goodbye.

Ouch

The last two days Samatha and I had to travel to Kiev in order to complete some required paperwork needed for travel and passport arrangements. We are now back near the orphanage and took another opportunity to visit Larissa. Today was a little tough for everyone I think Samantha and I were a little drained from traveling the day before and Larissa was distracted by other couples also in the playroom. Sam gave her a small cracker and I offered her some tea from the set Samantha brought in. I brought my phone with her and started to show her some pictures of she recognized sam as Mama. We continued to play and I decided to pick her up and fly her around the room like the last time. After setting her down she told us she needed to use the the bathroom Samantha took her to the caretaker who later came back several moments later and said that Larissa wanted us to go home. We respected her wishes and left as requested Samantha and I had dealt with this before when visiting sasha, but it is still a tough pill to swallow. I keep trying to reminding myself this is much more difficult for her than it is for us. I think we missed some visual cues last time that might have helped us make her feel more comfortable.

We are not able to visit on Sundays and we both feel like we need to better communicate our story to prepare her for Samatha's return. When we adopted Sasha, Samantha made a memory book that told the story of our family and her future trip. It showed pictures of us, our house, our pets and our extended family. We would flip through it and tell her what the pictures were about. This time we forgot to bring one so I created a slideshow we can put on the phone or tablet when we go. I decided to include pictures of Sasha when we had visited her in the orphanage. On our next visit we will try showing her the pictures and watching her more closely for any cues we need to change things up a little.

Almost There

Yesterday Samatha and I accomplished a major hurdle, we attended court and were granted our petition to adopt. As with our first there will be a waiting period and then we can begin making arrangements for preparing a passport for travel. Court is always a little emotional for us as it is close to the final point of approval in this process. I think by the end of the session we were all trying to choke back tears. I present to you our new daughter Larissa Wood she is 3 years old and has charmed us from the moment we had an opportunity to meet her.